Monday, December 19, 2005

Another King Kong Review

This is one of the funniest movie reviews I have ever read! I don’t know why, but I was dying when I read it. (probably because I already saw King Kong)


I’ll paste it here for those of you too lazy to click a link


If you’re lactose intolerant, make sure you stay away from the King Kong remake, because that thing is the among the cheesiest shit in movies that I have ever seen.

I don’t mean cheesy like a monkey climbing to the top of the Empire State Building either, I mean cheesy like the following:

King Kong ice skates in central park with girl.

I shit you not.  When King Kong is reunited with Blondie What’s Her Name, he takes her on an escapade on ice in central park.  Gay.

20 minutes of looking deep into monkey’s eyes.

Remember in every movie Chris Farley ever did how there would be like five extra minutes of looking at his face while he was making some dumpy kind of frumy face?  Whoever directed King Kong, probably some newbie hack, decided that that worked for Chris Farley, so he just added four times as much of it.  Seriously.  If you see King Kong’s eyes come into frame, just go to the bathroom.  You’ll be looking at those things for like another ten minutes.

I mean just go to the bathroom in your seat.  Fuck it.

The brontosaurus stampede/gun-fight with shitty looking CGI raptors.

I wish I didn’t know what to say about this scene, except I do.  Raptors only have one place in movies:  Jurrassic Park.  Anywhere else and we all know you’re just ripping them off from Jurrassic Park — because no one knew what a fucking raptor was before that.  Dinosaurs weren’t smart and couldn’t open doors and shit before Jurrassic Park.  In a dinosaur attack, you were safe as long as you didn’t do like cartwheels or glowstick rave dances.

In order to make his raptors look different than Jurrassic Park — and maybe trick us into not remembering who thought of what, Peter Jackson decided to make his CGI raptors look extra shitty; not just shitty — extra shitty.  They look and behave more like the CGI Scooby Doo than anything I would call "realistic".

Also, The Lion King pulled off the stampede scene — straight out of the box.  What we have here is a bunch of people running around like dicks in front of a green screen while the CGI nerds jizz all over each other seeing how many near misses they can compute with their mighty computing machines.

You CGI nerds fucking suck.  Tone it the fuck down already.

And now we get to Jack Black — and I’m being totally serious here — stellar performance.  But then everyone already knew that.




Blogger Dax said...

Thanks man.

4:14 PM  

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